Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
