Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
