I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
im having a threesome with these popsicles
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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