If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
