why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
