he shaved USA in his pubs
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
