his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
