Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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