Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
