Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
