He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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