If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
