i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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