her vagine was all disorganized.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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