How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
