Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
