Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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