Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
