Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
