but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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