sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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