): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
