Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
