You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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