how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
