she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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