Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
