You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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