I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
