need another drink. this is the easiest way
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
