I must be too annoying 4 u.
The maid of honor just puked.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
