My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
