Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
