so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
