I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
