Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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