hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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