Your face is a jimmy john
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
