So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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