got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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