My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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