I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My brain says no but my pants say off.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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