Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
