Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
