Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
