Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
