God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
