dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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