You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
