She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
