I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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