I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize