i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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