If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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