And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
