dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the day after is always just damage control
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
