Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
