Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
