I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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