call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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