Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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