Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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