I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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